I think I'm always trying to change my physical appearances because I never feel quite good enough. I never feel quite up to the standards of whoever I'm comparing myself to, or, whoever I'm trying to impress. 

I looked into the mirror tonight and could not see a pretty face - I stared at emotionless, brown eyes, a set of lips, a nose, and hair that had been dyed far too red than I would have liked. I try to change because when I change, I feel like I'll become someone different... I'll become prettier, more intriguing, more likable..and all at the same time I never really do it for myself. Yes of course there is a part of my that likes dying my hair, as I've been doing it for almost the past 5 years now, but still..a lot of this desire to be someone different comes from the want to simply be good enough for anyone and everyone. 

I have 12 piercings on my body. They're all unique, all over, all different. I feel like every time I get a new piercing it's like I'm trying to reinvent myself all over again. As if to say I'm trying something new, something exciting...the old Jardin is simply transforming into what she had always wanted to be, but then that's never enough anyways because I feel like I can never stop with the modifications.


I feel numb these days. I've started smoking again, and I hate that. I hate that I'm looking to fill my time with all these empty distractions that aren't really helping at all. Thank god for school, music, and work work work. I feel like all I do these days is work though, and I can already feel it taking a toll on me. I know I'm just overworking myself and picking up lots of extra shifts just so that I don't have any down time for myself.


I'm so tired these days. I feel my energy lagging, and even though I've been sticking to a fairly regular running routine (for the marathon coming up in less than a month..ahhh!), and I'm trying to stick to my gluten-free diet, shit still gets hard, and I get tired so energy, and recently my energy has just been nowhere to be found.


I need a reevaluation. I need to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person. I don't like staring into empty eyes and a tired looking face every time I walk into the bathroom. It makes me sad.

Snowpocalypse 2011.

So this one night in Austin, it started snowing in the early hours of the morning, around 1:40, and lasted until about 6am in the morning. It was beautiful. The weather was wonderful...in fact, it's still wonderful. There's still snow traces on the ground, the sky is clear and beautiful, and I couldn't have asked for a better way to start the weekend. But it snowed, and it snowed a lot. Too amazing of a night..

S

 Downtown Austin, TX - Capitol Building 2/4/2011

Couldn't have asked for a better night. The streets were covered in snow, the cars were covered in snow, everything was covered in beautiful, white, powdery snow.

Snowpocalypse 2011 :)

You make my heart explode.

The sunsets that I see on campus are some of the prettiest that I've ever seen anywhere. It kind of makes me glad that I'm alive, that I'm breathing, walking, talking, dreaming. It kind of makes me think twice when I start to think negatively. When I get to see such beautiful views such as the ones pictured, I wonder sometimes why I question the world's beauty in it's entirety.

Time Means Nothing.

This night is winding down but
Time means nothing,
As always at this hour
Time means nothing,
One final final round cause

Time means nothing,
Say that you'll stay,

Say that you'll stay.

Simple as it should be.

 Oh, and my day was pretty much made today because I finally received in the mail my letter from the beautifully talented Tristan Prettyman, a singer/songwriter from California. I've been listening to her music for years now, have seen her live multiple times, even met her before with one of my best friends and we gave her a mixed cd of some (what we thought at the time to be) awesome songs. But I received her letter today, I couldn't stop smiling! It's amazing what the power of something as little and as simple as a letter in the mail can do to one's mood for the day...

Mondays.

Today, for the first time in a looong time, I have absolutely zero things to do tonight. I don't have to go in to Amy's, I'm not on duty, I don't have an exam, online essay, or quiz due tomorrow, I don't have any meetings, commitments, etc...I'm amazed, actually. I can't remember the last time that I've actually had an off day just to..breathe..in a long while. But this is good! This means I can spend some time with myself today, do what I need to do , take care of my mental health. 

And it's also one of the last beautiful days of this week..the low by the end of the  night Friday is going to be about 19 degrees...that's kind of a huge difference from the lovely 79 degree weather we're having here in Austin, TX at the moment. Sheeeeesh. Welcome to the bipolar lands of Texas, ladies and gentleman. 

But anyways. The day is beautiful. I'm about to leave for a bit with Matt to run some errands and then come back to dinner. Mmmmm. I'm glad to have this night off, even though I'll most likely spend it doing homework. But still. An evening to myself is an evening to myself, and much needed at that :)

Love to everyone in their lives for today, for this week, and for always! 

Cheers xo

We Never Change.

Dreamin' of my life on the outside.

If I had money,

I feel like my style would be a whoooole lot different. As in I'd shop at J. Crew, GAP, Banana Republic, and Urban Outfitters a little bit more than I do now. And to be honest, most of my wardrobe comes from GAP or B.R. anyways, as I used to work at GAP and my mom's a manger for B.R., but still...I would love to have the classic, chic style that I always picture in my head. Like these ladies...

 Sigh. Maybe I'll somehow win the lottery one day and be able to shop at all these lovely stores and be able to express my style through how I truly want it to be. Or maybe I'll become super crazy famous with music and never have to worry about styling myself again.. HA! Now that's something to dream about. Of course, I would love to get famous for music for the fact that I want to give people something they can relate to and enjoy, but the perks of being able to have a little extra side cash for some clothes $$ wouldn't be too bad either.

 'Sup.

 Look at that sexy face.

Words, words, words.

Let that heart shine bright, let that heart shine bright,

Let the words flow right, let the words flow right.

 

And I’m covered in thoughts and pretty memories,

I slept so long they found me lying in the summer’s breeze,

And when I woke I’d gone and bruised and dirtied both my knees.

Let that heart shine bright, let that heart shine bright.

 Take me here, where I can breathe, where I can live, where I can be free, live happy, feel a calm and peace in my soul.

I want to be in this, more than anything in the world.

 

Dear mysterious smoker, you are quite sexy.

I want to buy these yummies for a special man friend. Mmmm. These are legit.

 Classy as fuck.