2009 Musings...

I've grown accustomed to the silence,
Engulfed, my mind will speak no thoughts-
For in the darkness comes my blindness,
and I cannot see all that I've got.
I've tried and tried, my tongue is tied,
And so for now, the time, I bide;
Slowly drowning in this rain,
I wait for sun to see again;
The water washes old away,
and brings new times to laugh and play.
I'm trapped inside my lost encounters,
I'm trapped inside my only hope,
For in my mind I'm slowly drowning,
These words are all I've got to cope.

Words and thoughts and memories,
Are all I've got to set me free.

For thought I lack all my expression,
My mind has just one last suggestion...


Let. it. go.

November 17, 2008.

11.17.2008

Ah, she glanced around the place-
A deviant smile, a weary face.
For now the choice lies in her hands,
To make amends, to break and bend
Dethrone the man, sit and spend-
Countless hours, countless days
Worrying all this life away.
Crazy beauty, crazy madness
Reverberates right through the sadness
Be bold, be brash, be there to laugh
The smile beholds an insane gladness.
Left is she with thoughts of pain-
But from her thinking she’ll refrain.
Stop, look, breathe, again-
You’ll find yourself your only friend.
Madness, crazed, alive and dazed,
Somehow she knows what to do-
Somehow she’ll learn to get through.
Someone somewhere feels the cold,
The cycle waits, love’s put on hold.

Never Lose Sight.

And all we are, is burning stars.

Shining brightly making sure we don't fall too far.

...and what happens we'll see, and what happens we'll see.

Never lose sight, never give up.
Never stop loving, never stop living.
Don't ever give up hope in yourself.
Don't ever give up hope in the world.
Love is infinite, pain is temporary.
Live, breathe, love, laugh, cry.
But never, ever lose sight.

Never.

The Universe has spoken..

So I get these daily emails from the universe, always giving me bits of advice and encouraging things for me to read whenever I open my email in the morning. Today's email, however, rings especially truer than true to my life's current events right now:

Always speak of the past, gratefully.

Of the future, excitedly.

And of the present, Jardin, with bobbing eyebrows and a Cheshire grin.

Spiritual politics, baby -
    The Universe

 Always speak of the past...gratefully. I must speak of my future excitedly, with passion and enthuse. And finally, I must speak and treat the present as if it's the only thing I've got, with all my heart and soul and everything else I've got. This life I live is beautiful - this whole world that I live in is incredible. The people I've met, the places I've been, the things I've done...I cannot help but look back at my life from a third person perspective and be envious. I've got so much going for me, how could I not smile?

I know it might sound cheesy, but these notes from the universe help me get through tough days sometimes. I love opening my hotmail account to notes like the one above. It's a silly email in my morning inbox, yet at times it makes me feel so inspired and encouraged to carry on with life, that I look forward to waking up in the morning to read these little notes. With everything going on in my life right now, I feel like my world's are shifting. Not just mine, but the people's worlds around me as well. I feel as if the entire universe is going through some monumental change right now - I can't really explain why I feel this way to a fuller extent, but I know things are changing, and while it's scary, and I feel fear in my heart daily, I can't help but smile with a nervous excitement for the unknown.

In the end, everything will be fine, everything will be as it is, there's no other way to say it really. I've got a heart full of love and a mind full of lust for seeing what else this big world's got to offer me, so why shouldn't I stop to pause in the present and take everything in with the biggest smile on my face?

Dear universe, you're quite the awesome being you know. You really are.

Love is Infinite

I can never forget this - ever. Love is beautiful, love is forever, love is to be happy, love is energy, love is everywhere. Love will always be, and always has been. Love just..is.

Love is infinite.
I have to believe that much is true.

I have to.

Wednesday Nights: Laughter, Friends, & Late Night Drives.

Just got back from an evening with Lauren, Matt, Leah, Devin, and Isaac. I enjoy these people, I do. We drank hot chocolate over stories from each others breaks, talking about anything and everything. I like these kind of conversations. I don't have to think much. They inspire me to be myself and to talk freely, which is what I did tonight. I told them about everything going on in my life right now - they listened with an open mind and ear, yet definitely still had their own opinions to say about everything.

I can only take anyone else's opinion with a grain of salt, nothing more - I know my friends care about my well being and only want what's best for me,  but it's hard when my own heart and head are telling me differently. Sigh. I suppose I should just leave things be for now. I plan on playing some more guitar for the evening, and then going to bed before midnight.

These late night hours..they kill me. Being in this building all alone has been driving me crazy. It's suffocating. Being alone is painful right now, only because my mind wanders down all these twisted, dark roads, and it's hard to pull my thoughts out of a negative place when I bury myself so deep sometimes.

I'm doing my best to simply live, and be happy, but it's hard to do so when the only thing I want most in the world is currently unavailable for me to hold close.

Welcome aboard.

So this is my second real "go" at a blog. My life is currently made up of a lot of strange events and circumstances, and so the story shall unfold more as I continue to update this blog as everything in my life continues to happen. I've been going through many recent changes in life, all of which I'm not sure how to look at. 

This is hopefully my first entry of many more to come - I was on tumblr previously to this, but found that even too invasive for my liking. I'm hoping to be as open and honest as possible with my words as I write, as my brain is constantly thinking and developing things to say.

For now I can leave this post with the feeling that my life is in constant flux right now - nothing is set, nothing is permanent. And for now I'll just have to be okay with that. From dawn 'til dusk, my life is in motion, and even then, in my dreams, my plans are still set to action.

From dawn 'til dusk.