I think I'm always trying to change my physical appearances because I never feel quite good enough. I never feel quite up to the standards of whoever I'm comparing myself to, or, whoever I'm trying to impress. 

I looked into the mirror tonight and could not see a pretty face - I stared at emotionless, brown eyes, a set of lips, a nose, and hair that had been dyed far too red than I would have liked. I try to change because when I change, I feel like I'll become someone different... I'll become prettier, more intriguing, more likable..and all at the same time I never really do it for myself. Yes of course there is a part of my that likes dying my hair, as I've been doing it for almost the past 5 years now, but still..a lot of this desire to be someone different comes from the want to simply be good enough for anyone and everyone. 

I have 12 piercings on my body. They're all unique, all over, all different. I feel like every time I get a new piercing it's like I'm trying to reinvent myself all over again. As if to say I'm trying something new, something exciting...the old Jardin is simply transforming into what she had always wanted to be, but then that's never enough anyways because I feel like I can never stop with the modifications.


I feel numb these days. I've started smoking again, and I hate that. I hate that I'm looking to fill my time with all these empty distractions that aren't really helping at all. Thank god for school, music, and work work work. I feel like all I do these days is work though, and I can already feel it taking a toll on me. I know I'm just overworking myself and picking up lots of extra shifts just so that I don't have any down time for myself.


I'm so tired these days. I feel my energy lagging, and even though I've been sticking to a fairly regular running routine (for the marathon coming up in less than a month..ahhh!), and I'm trying to stick to my gluten-free diet, shit still gets hard, and I get tired so energy, and recently my energy has just been nowhere to be found.


I need a reevaluation. I need to look in the mirror and see a beautiful person. I don't like staring into empty eyes and a tired looking face every time I walk into the bathroom. It makes me sad.