The weather has been absolute and complete shit for the past almost week now. Blahh. It's horrible outside - cold, wet, slightly drizzly, damp, gray...it's not any type of weather in which anyone would want to be outside in. And of course, I feel like the weather is always parallel to what's going on in my life - if it's not sunny and bright and nice outside, then I feel like I can't be sunny and happy about my own life. Which is of course how I feel about things right now. I'm just caught in the middle of some unfortunate tornado right now, and it keeps twisting my thoughts back and forth, back and forth. I'd really appreciate for the sun to start shining now. And not just literally, but figuratively too - I'm tired of feeling like I'm about to burst into tears at any given moment.
Things are so weird right now - he stayed the night last night, completely unintentional. I feel as though he thinks I invited him over just so I could have him stay. Not true. Honestly, I really didn't think he was going to stay anyways, and I was completely ready for him to leave my room at any minute. I don't want to be a point of conflict or annoyance in his life. I'm pretty sure I am, and that hurts me a lot. I don't like causing trouble, I don't like shaking things up. I feel like I'm messing up everyone's lives involved in this, and I don't know how I'm supposed to go about fixing it. I'm tired of crying over this, I'm tired of feeling like shit about myself every day.
My life? It's awesome. I have some of the best people in the world as a part of my life. Seriously..my friends are some of the greatest people I've ever met. I've learned so much from everyone I've met just in the past 6 months, so it's crazy to think that if they've had such a significant impact on my outlook on life just from this short time period what impact they'll have on my life in the long run.
I know I'm a changed person, I know things are different. But I do also know where my feelings stand for L. And I know that it won't matter what guys I meet, or what I do, or who I hang out with, or what shows I play..I know that in the back of my head nothing matters because I don't get to have him to do all of this next to me.
I know that one day I will be with L. When my feelings are so strong as they are now, I know that whatever's going on right now in my life is real. These are real feelings, and I don't foresee them going away anytime soon. In fact, I really don't see them going away anytime ever. It just makes it 10x's as hard right now when I know there's another girl involved. It just makes me feel..insufficient. Like I don't matter. And while I know that is not true, and I know that he says he still loves me, it's kind of hard to think in terms of the future, knowing that one day we'll end up together when right now I'm kind of in the mindset of just saying fuck this, I feel like shit right now, and it's not fair. Love isn't fair, ever. Someone always gets hurt.
I'm so grateful for all my friends though - they've truly been able to show me the light through all of this. I lose sight so much of all the beautiful things going on in my life, so it's nice to have reminders from those around me that my life is pretty awesome, and I have a lot to be thankful for. Hence why I want to get my tattoo this February, or if not by the end of January, depending on how much money I have.
Never Lose Sight. I know I've posted this before, but I like being able to constantly remind myself. If I get a permanent reminder on my arm, then I doubt I'll ever forget how much of a fucking awesome life I live. Seriously. I get to play music in town, I get to hang out with some pretty cool people all the time, I have 2 fantastic jobs, I'm training for a marathon...life is pretty damn good, I'd say. I can't lost sight of how far I've come, I can't. It's not fair to myself, or to the people around me. I've built myself up to such a good place in my life that I couldn't ever see myself looking at things otherwise. So. I won't ever lose sight, never ever.
There is too much opportunity in this beautiful world to think otherwise.
No comments:
Post a Comment